Amelia

Rainy day

2007-06-30T05:50:09Z

It has been raining for the past 24 hours, stopping only once while I was in the shower (which isn't really any different, go figure). It's funny how the weather can reflect your mood. Kind of like when you're watching a movie, and then a character says, "well, it couldn't get any worse," and then it starts raining. Or, sometimes at the end of films when something really good happens and then the sun breaks through the clouds and happy, emphatic music starts to play...

The thing is, I was happy earlier today, but now I'm kind of sad. Mood swings are a regular occurrence for me, but it's not like I'm sad just for the sake of it. It's weird, because sometimes I have moments of revelation and I look in the mirror and I see a thin person. I think to myself: wow, I've finally seen the light. Other times, however...most times...I see a fat person. I suppose this is like everyone else, but how do you know if you're really getting any thinner? The scales just don't seem to mean anything to me any more...

Trapped in a box...

2007-06-30T03:08:50Z

Does anybody else feel as if their life is going down the drain? That ana is a drug, and that the more it messes up your life, the more you cling to it? Ok, maybe I'm being a bit melodramatic, but I feel as if I'm autistic. They say that people with autism aren't stupid or slow; they just have a problem with communicating with the outside world. Like they're stuck inside an invisible box, with no way of breaking through. That's sometimes how I feel.l I'm stuck in a box, and Ive given up on trying to communicate with the rest of the world. That's why I'm so glad I have you girls, and live journal. I may be trapped in a box, but I'm trapped in a box with a computer.

Trapped in a box of tremendous size
It distorts my vision, it closes my eyes
Attracts filthy flies and pollutes in the skies
It sucks up our lives and proliferates lies
Trapped in a box
Trapped in a box, four walls as sky
Got a screen for a window about two feet wide
My mind rides and slides as my circuits are
fried
No room for thought, use the box as my guide
Trapped in a box

Ooh trapped in a box
Watch the world as it flocks
To life's paradox
And we're all trapped in a box

Oh trapped in a box I'm not alone
I know of others with a box as their home
Light only enters from a crack or a hole
Oh this is not enough for a human to grow
Trapped in a box

Trapped in a box - No Doubt

The hard road...

2007-06-29T23:47:13Z

My grandmother once said to me: 'Amelia, life is a journey. There are many paths that you can take - some, may have pot holes and judder bars; obstacles that make it harder to walk. Others may be smooth and easy to travel along. You, my dear, will travel along both of these paths, until you have come to a fork in the road, and you must decide, in the end, which road you want to travel along."
At the time, I thought she had lost her marbles. "Ok, Nan," I said, giving her a confused look. I guessed that as people got older they got more whimsical and, well....loony. But now, just thinking about it, I kind of get what she meant. We go through two stages in our life: the hard stage, and the easy, smooth sailing stage. And then, at the end, we can either chose to learn from our mistakes, or continue making them. Easy road. Hard road.
The thing is, I haven't got to the fork in the road yet. I'm still traveling the path that has pot holes and judder bars, and I feel like it's endless. Sometimes, I can see the fork in the road, kind of like a mirage in the middle of the desert. But, also like a mirage, I think I've reached it and then it just disappears!

Sometimes, I feel as I don't care how much I weigh and how much calories I've eaten that day....but then I lie in bed at night and I feel disgusted with myself. I hug my body and pinch at the rolls of fat, and I get nervous that if I go out in public tomorrow everyone will think I'm fat and ugly, and they'll all laugh at me. I refuse to wear revealing clothing, even though my friends always comment on my body and tell me how they wish they had what I had...blah blah blah. But I don't hear it. I don't see what they see.